Still Awake

It’s never easy to let go of someone we choose to love. We still want to hold them tight, if not in our arms, then in our heart and mind. We struggle to sleep at night; because we are recalling all the good memories. Suddenly, all the bad times vanish and we wish we could get one more chance, to make it right.

And suddenly, we only see the light when everything gets dark, and the darkness doesn’t scare us anymore. It has become a safe haven for us as no one can see our tears and the sorrows in our eyes. No one can hear us cry loudly in our hearts. We are just so scared to sleep, as sleep has become our biggest enemy. And the only thing that matters now is hold their hands and their heart whispers “I Love You”.

We thought, when someone says “Goodbye”, it would not be a sad thing anymore as no tear is worth it, but only the last voice of them we wanted to hear for safekeeping whenever we forgot what it feels like to Love. Their voice grows louder and louder without their presence. The crickets are singing, the dogs are barking, the stars are shining bright, but we can only see the lonely moon, all alone in the sky.

Our eyes are moist, and for a second, we feel everything in our hands is snatched in a fraction; all at once. A night where we feel most alone; when the world is asleep awaiting for a new day, we feel the hollow which isn’t a hollow anymore, but everything we need for now.

The winds have stopped blowing, even that inside our lungs, they took our breath away as they vanished into the horizon. And love maybe the strongest feeling of them all, but often it’s the one that isn’t enough.

We sacrificed our bodies, our souls, our hearts, put it upon our sleeves, but love had no mercy upon us. Now, we are standing only skin and empty bones under a sombre sky; waiting for the endless night to end or wanting the darkness to never go away.

How to unlove? If tomorrow comes, will we ever be whole again? Will we get to see ourselves before we were blinded in love again? Will we ever feel those butterflies and the adrenaline rush again? It’s a big circle of thoughts in a nowhere place. There is all nowhere here in this little broken heart. We are tired. If we stop thinking, we feel we will die. If we continue thinking, we think we will die. Either way, will we ever survive?

But if we never let go, we will never allow ourselves to have a new love experience. We will stay stuck as life continues to erode what we’ve once built. A bold wave has movement, some forward and some backwards. Let the wave carry us to where we are intended to be, and this time, not where we want to be. And when the storm passes, the rainbow will finally find its way through.

What we carry in this dark night is heavy. But, the good thing about what can be carried, is that it can also be put down. It’s a terrible feeling, the pain of not being loved. The grief of everything that we lost, but in our heart, we still believe we have. We are in between ashes of losing ourselves and questioning what was left of us.

But tomorrow, we will wake up happy. And if not tomorrow then maybe the next day, or maybe in a week, or a month. But we will make it. Perhaps it’s time to let go of the burden we’ve been carrying. We have done enough. Let the world work its magic over us once again. Let us try one more time to fall in love. Let us forget about the time that doesn’t exist anymore, and create new memories for us.

To the ones who walked away, we were scared to be without you’ll. You’ll used to breathe life into our lungs, and then suddenly we had to breathe on our own. But now, we will learn to exist happily without you’ll. Actually, we can flourish without you’ll.

Let’s be grateful, that life always has HOPE. Let’s be excited for LOVE to find us again.

Breaking the Taboo – Divorced and Smiling!

Let me make one thing clear before I elaborate on this topic – No! I do not encourage divorce. But I do encourage being single and enjoying yourself, self love, appreciating your space till you find the right partner.

Marriage is a sacred institution and divorce is taboo in Indian society. … The concept of “compromise in marriage” is gradually fading as women feel economically independent and liberated. Modern Indian men and women no more believe in marital compromise the way our past generations used to do. Divorce may still be a taboo, but sometimes letting go is the best option.

As per India Today, unsurprisingly, India has the lowest divorce rate, which goes as low as being less than one percent, this in a country which has the highest domestic violence and depression rate. In India, one out of every three married women, face domestic abuse, and, yet we have so many happy successful marriages. Are people really happy or have they forced themselves in wrong relationships just because of the stigma that comes attached with a divorce or the common norm “what will the society say!”

Is it really worth staying in a marriage which brings more of misery than peace and happiness, and the fear of society or break free and live the life you deserve?

I was married at the age of 23 to the love of my life. My family, friends and relatives were very happy and as per the traditional myth, everyone (including me) thought that the typical Indian marriage lasts forever, even when it’s irretrievably broken. For various reasons, things went downhill. We split up, which initially came as big shock to family and friends. People all around started giving me lectures and emotionally blackmailed me to “compromise” and get back to my ex-husband inspite of knowing the reason of separating which was beyond compromising.

I was mentally tortured by the society and even shamed by my own close relatives and friends. Some said, “I failed in marriage”, others said, “I broke my marriage” or “I will never get another man if I am divorced” or “divorced woman breaks others houses so keep your husband’s away from her”, etc. I never really bothered about all this because my parents supported my decision and stood by me through all this. Infact, even they were shamed because they stood by my decision. What did hurt was, only I was called out because I am a woman, and no one said a word to my ex-husband.

Eventually, I was legally divorced and now I have a title called “Divorcee” instead of “Single”. Not just this, even the legal system considers a divorced woman as an untouchable. The process of change of surname and from Mrs. to Miss is no less than a torture.

When I got legally divorced, I was relieved and felt like a huge burden off my shoulders. I was looking forward to start a new life and get back on my feet. Since I am a very mentally strong woman, the taunts of the society don’t affect me at all. But I am writing here to encourage other women.

I have never shied away from telling anyone (when asked) that I am divorced. But the look on their faces after hearing that, makes me wonder that we are still far behind in broad minded thinking, especially in India. Soon, the society started lecturing me to remarry as I am aging, I won’t be able bear kids later, I will not get a good guy, looked at me in pity, etc. As if, the only work for a woman here is to marry and have children. When I would tell them that I will not remarry until I get good partner, they would tell me that I have too much attitude which doesn’t suit me as I am a divorcee. Does that make sense?

But look at me; I am living my best life, independent, happy, fit, a smiling and a dynamic divorcee. I will remarry, but only with the person I connect on all levels – mentally, physically and spiritually. I don’t come under the pressure of the society, never have and never will. I respect the society, but I respect myself more. Getting divorced is not the end of the world, and getting remarried is not the only thing left in life to do. Enjoy the journey, rediscover yourself, make new friends, build a career, travel, donate, and just live in the present.

For me, I had a very strong support from parents and siblings. Besides them, I had Casper and I still have Junior who never let me slip into depression and always kept me healthy and happy. I do not regret my divorce, nor am I happy that it happened. But that was the only solution for both of us to be happy again. Sometimes things don’t work out as expected, and there are many reasons for a divorce. Do not judge anyone. Everyone has their own reasons and fighting their own battles which we do not see. Be patient and loving. Life is beautiful, and without the downs, we will never appreciate the ups. Live and let live!

What has the pandemic done to us!

Anxiety, depression and suicide are the only things I hear these days apart from someone testing positive from the novel Corona Virus COVID-19. I will be wrong if I say I am now immune to anxiety; though I do not get depressed at all. But anxiety definitely takes a toll on me sometimes. It is said, if a person is living in the past, they suffer from depression. And if a person wants all the answers to the future, they are living in anxiety. And there are some, who suffer from both, which sometimes become fatal and leads to suicide.

In India, in the past few months, we came across a lot of celebrity suicides, which is heartbreaking. And I can say, it was the highest during this lockdown and testing times. We feel, they have name, fame, money, luxury, etc., then why do they have to commit suicide. Some of them even happily married or in happy relationships. But still they decided to end their lives. Well, we will never know the answers as none left behind any suicide note. But one thing I can say, and specially to people who always feel that the grass is greener on the other side, that money or fame or luxury or even being with the perfect life partner is not the only way to live. So what has this pandemic done to us? It has taught us these very important crucial life lessons.

It has taught us that savings is the most important thing in life. It has taught us that not only can we survive with just the bare minimum, but also live happily. It has taught us the importance of essential items. When the lockdowns were announced worldwide, no one rushed to buy a new car or a new dress or an expensive purse. But everyone dashed to buy groceries, medicines, and, even toilet paper. This pandemic has also thrown light on the importance of having our family around us safe and healthy. This pandemic edified us to do small small work on our own like fixing the light bulb or cleaning the clogged drain for which we used to be dependent on other people. It has created many bakers and chefs who had never even made a cup of tea in their entire life. It has coached many to start living a healthy lifestyle and I am the biggest example for this. I was a junk food eater and would barely drink water throughout the day. Now, out of fear though, I have started cooking healthy meals, taking my multivitamins, drinking adequate water and many other healthy things which I will share with you’ll below in detail.

Mumma drew eyebrows on me because she was bored, and now she is laughing like a mad woman – Junior

To one side the good things this pandemic has taught, it has also tested many relationships. Never in my life I had heard about so many divorces or breakups before. All the relationships that were built on shaky foundations collapsed. This shows that most of the relationships were only materialistic, either physical or monetary, and when it was time to show true love, many failed. And there were some, who were so bored and tried to reach out to their ex….ha ha ha! Since the only mode of communication during lockdown is video calls or phone calls, just like a long distance relationship, after an argument, you never know if you are going to speak to your partner ever again or no. And as the favorite thing or I can say, the most fashionable thing what people are doing is “ghosting”. Many couples are also restoring to breakups over zoom calls. Or to not sound bad or irresponsible, slowly and steadily one person starts getting distant giving excuses about increased responsibility at home or work tension due to lockdown or any other excuse and eventually disappears leaving the other person with many unanswered questions and a brutally broken heart left to heal on its own.  And the next you know, they are dating someone else which turns your life upside down. SAD!

We must understand, these are testing times. Instead of behaving like jerks and idiots, one should take a few days to figure things out instead of just breaking up. You can navigate tough waters without having to disentangle from a relationship. Take a few weeks to figure things out. It’s important to note that at such a time, our ‘shadow selves’ can also come out. We all have a ‘shadow self’, which could be impacted by past baggage, traumatic memories, and things we are not aware of. In other times, we are distracted by work, but when we are by ourselves, we may not know how to deal with past emotional pain. Don’t take impulsive decisions. Unless, one has been cheating behind the scenes or as I said before that an ex sent a text out of no where and the old feelings came rushing back in, then there is no solution to it and the strained one should move on with dignity and self-respect. And use this lockdown to better yourself and rise from the ashes stronger. Trust me, breakup during lockdown will look like a challenge, but soon, you will start loving your me-time. And you will have one less person to worry about….ha ha ha ha ha!

Apart from breakups, savings are drying up and there is less to zero income which is the biggest concern right now. Many of us are struggling to cope with this and the only solution is when the country entirely opens up and the number of Corona Virus Positive cases drastically reduce. Also, all of us are desperately awaiting the vaccine for same.

Mumma should be reminded that I am not a girl – Junior

I am trying my best to stay healthy and keep my immunity on top notch. Taking all precautions like face mask, sanitizer, social distancing, etc. Rest I leave it in God’s hands. Let me share with you’ll the home therapy I am doing for good health and immunity.

  • I take nasal steam 2-3 times a day
  • I drink a cup of Kadha a day. Kadha in India is an age old Ayurveda drink used for cold, flu, immunity and overall health. Add crushed peppercorns, ginger, cloves, cinnamon stick, green cardamom, turmeric, tulsi leaves, mint leaves and lemon juice to water and bring it to boil till the water turns to half quantity. Strain and add a little honey and drink warm.
  • On waking up, I have a warm glass of water with a pinch of salt, turmeric powder and lemon juice on empty stomach.
  • Later I have a glass of warm turmeric milk
  • I take multivitamin and Vitamin C tablets

All the above I have apart from regular lunch and dinner. Please note, for some these above home remedies or therapy may create a lot of heat in the body to handle and build acidity. So do only what suit your body. As you all know, I live alone and again even in this crisis, my baby Junior has kept me rational and level headed. Thank God that animals cannot contract the Corona Virus and they are safe. I thank Casper and Junior every day of my life. And I thank God for creating such beautiful and loyal creatures and giving me the opportunity to wake up every morning to the face that loves me the most. My heart would be emptier and life would be less with my dogs.

I see an Angel every morning when I open my eyes. And that Angel is Junior ❤️