Inadequacy, worthlessness and inferiority are defined as a condition of not being enough or not being good enough. You had a traumatic past, or consistent bad partners, which makes you wonder why you are sad all the time. Low self esteem and unfair comparisons makes you feel unworthy. While everyone has these feelings, we have to remind ourselves that our mind is tricking us into thinking we are not good enough.
In general, I don’t think we talk enough about the trauma of not feeling good enough. Never feeling like what we give is enough, because we constantly need to always give more to get effort. Never feeling like we are worthy, because we chase every chance at being wanted.
We don’t often talk about the trauma in accepting someone into our lives who isn’t meant for us after they have shown us countless times that they are a piece of shit…..but we try to mold ourselves into what they need…..because that ounce of what felt like love they gave, was enough to cave. We don’t talk about the unhealthy yearning of being loved, that we would do anything to feel it, that we would let anyone in who feels comforting.
We don’t talk about how it starts with security and ends with uncertainty. We hold on to the toxic ones even though we know they are incapable of delivering, and in return we feel more damaged. We don’t talk about the fear of letting go because we inhale the fostering aroma of our gaslighting performer. We fear never feeling the mirage again that they handled with care.
We don’t talk about the burnout and bareness of picking up the broken pieces, the fear of actually feeling something real again. We don’t talk about how the hopeless romantic can lose hope. We forget to talk about the parts we adapt in these cycles of our heart’s abuse and how we form these patterns where we start feeling like “not good enough”.
I want to feel love, that’s on me, but when they take advantage of my fragile heart, that’s when the tables turn. Accepting someone in my life when the signs have proven they are not for me, that’s on me, but when they use my love for them as a pawn, that’s where the line is drawn.
We often blame someone else for all the pain we endure, but we forget to take accountability for our part in the heartache. It’s the illusion of what we manipulated ourselves to believe love to be….and how dangerous it became to be. Being disappointed feels so normal now. The new “normal” is being repeatedly disappointed.
There is still a war going on within ourselves, but things have changed. We no longer try to destroy ourselves. We are on a rescue mission, aren’t we?
We are all just a bunch of weirdos trying to figure out what the fuck we want or what we are doing. We are all crazy and we are all struggling. The difference is, some of us are just honest about it, while others continue to destroy themselves and their partners.
And remember, you are SO not alone.