Be the one with a mountain to climb…

“Do not go gentle into the good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.” An amazing poem by Dylan Thomas which speaks about those who actually live out their lives will better see how life has been bright for them, before going towards the sleep of death. It emphasis that older men should fight fiercely and strongly against death.

I fell in love with this poem ever since I read it. But the message I want to portray here is that if you resist something, you give it power fueled by your own fear of it. Fear is a darker lower vibrational emotion; but, if that is what is keeping you from your happiness or freedom, then that is where the answers will be found – go into the good night.

By nature, I fear and panic a lot when something goes wrong even in the slightest manner. I put my life on hold till the problem is solved. But this is not how it should be. Being an over thinker, I put myself in such a bad position, that even my body falls ill; which in turn makes me go into hermit mode.

We fear failure, rejection, embarrassment, disappointment, etc. This hampers our daily growth, and, achieving our goals and dreams. I always find it hard to believe when each and every one around me tells me that I am a very confident girl or I am a very strong girl or I am fearless. Needless to say, no one knows the amount of fear I hold within me. When there is some random noise in the house, I fear that the ceiling will fall down. Where there is a short circuit happening 10 apartments away, I fear there will be a blast, and, how I will save Junior. When it is thundering, I feel the lightening will strike my building and we all will burn down. All these are silly things, but they hamper my daily activities, which in turn hinders my growth.

I am working on myself daily. It is a day-to-day struggle. There are times when life throws one blow over the other at me, but I still keep going. Because it is better to fight it out than to live life in fear. When I will be on my death bed, I want to be proud of myself and die peacefully knowing that I didn’t let myself down at any moment in life.

But you know what else keeps me going? My dogs. Yes, had they not been my motive to live, I would have fallen into depression long before. I know I have spoken about this many times. But today, it is a little different. Fear is a natural, powerful, and, primitive human emotion. Sometimes fear stems from real threats, but it can also originate from imagined dangers. Like the ones I face. Look at the irony, I never get scared of real threats, but I fear my imaginations. And this type of fear is more dangerous, because imaginations have no limits.

How my dogs have helped me? They divert my mind. Since my fears are imaginative, diverting my mind helps me calm down. Junior would randomly come to me looking with puppy eyes, and I will get up and start playing with him. When I lie down in bed, and I have no control over my thoughts, Casper and Junior would snore loudly, dream, move and fart, and mind is just diverted in a fraction of a second. My dogs are extremely important to me as I live alone. This wouldn’t have been the case if I would be living with my family.

Fear is unavoidable, and, when I have excess anxiety, my body and brain starts shutting down. This is one of the cons of living alone. Your mind starts playing tricks where you get consumed by it and fear the unknown. I stupefy when my friends tell me that it’s so amazing that I live alone. But as I always say, the grass is not green on the other side. And again, if it hadn’t been for my dogs, I would have not survived alone.

Today, I would like to share only two tips to help anyone suffering from imaginative fear like me. And that is, DO NOT resist it, and, celebrate your successes, no matter how small. Also, do not get confused between intuition and fear. Sometimes, it is our gut feeling telling us that something is genuinely wrong. Other times, it is just your imagination. Learn to differentiate by finding the core of it. But please, do not try to resist your fearful emotions. Let it come; Let it flow freely. Feel every ounce of it. Remind yourself that your anxiety is a store house of wisdom.

Many a times, imaginary fears are an outcome of old traumas. For me, this is absolutely true. And I know those traumas very well. Fortunately, I now know how to deal with them, but I am still working on the side effects that were left on me and that is the imaginary fears.

I now do not resist my fears. I feel it when it starts. And then I snap myself out of it by appreciating my courage. Till date, I have survived and thrived 100% of my bad days. Every time I don’t allow fear to keep me from doing something that scares me, I am making myself stronger and less likely to let the next fear attack stop me.

Start encouraging yourself by converting the outcome of fear into a positive thought. Transform all your fears into empowering visions of success. Take action in the face of fear. Be realistic. And celebrate every success. Make it a habit to celebrate than to sulk. Went one day without smoking, celebrate. Followed your diet for a week, celebrate. Received your degree, celebrate. Rejoice every good thing and make it a habit. So that when you have your next anxiety attack, you have more things to celebrate or be grateful about than to drown deep into fear. Small celebrations will one day lead you to the top of the mountain and shine. And then when you look back, you will realize that all the fears were nothing in front of your courage.

Remember, Fear is what MIGHT happen – not what WILL happen.

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The Only Way is Up!

You know what I breathe these days? FREEDOM! You know what I feel these days? FREEDOM! You know what I sense these days? FREEDOM! Freedom from the emotional block, freedom from the physical block and freedom from the legal block.

Freedom in any case, is only possible by constantly struggling from it. And I did for Seven and a Half Years. Last week was a hell of a week. I had two major events happening; Firstly, Junior’s health had gone for a complete toss! He was throwing up, and, almost collapsed. I had to get his blood work done which turned out to be all normal, but he didn’t stop throwing up and started palpitating. The Vet suggested to get his Heart Study done. To say that I was petrified would be an understatement! And. Secondly, in the middle of all this stress, I was also working on legally releasing my personal block which I was stuck in for many years.

It is said one should not worry too much as they are usually heavier than one’s own weight – Junior’s Heart Study came out to be absolutely fine, and, he had suffered from acidity which has mellowed down too. And, I am peacefully, officially, and legally, happy and single again! In all these events, I realized one of the biggest truths of life, i.e. The only real prison is fear, and the only real freedom is freedom from fear. The best feeling in the whole world is watching things finally fall into place after watching them fall apart for so long.

I read somewhere, “You have to make sure that you have someone by your side that wants to be there. Someone who wants to support you, and encourage you. Someone who gives you just as much effort as you give them. Because there are difficult things in life, really hard and haunted things that make it heavy and hurtful at times. But LOVE should not be one of those things. Love should hold your hands and help you brave those storms. So please, just don’t give the best parts of yourself to someone who doesn’t see the value in what they are receiving. Don’t settle for anyone who doesn’t look at you and know, WITHOUT HESITATION, that they want to stay.”

I completely agree with the above. I wasted so many years of my life trying to convince people of my worth, and love, and, in the process, lost my self-respect, and, developed trust and overthinking issues. It is a torture, literally, to live everyday thinking about not knowing where you stand in a person’s life. After my divorce, I finally broke this mental, physical and rusted chain. Love is not bad, people who do not know how to love are bad.

Even though I have always been a strong woman, but this freedom indisputably feels different and distinctively type of strong. It is liberating. Yeah! Single again and this time, without compromise. Yes, I paid a heavy price for this. To be a single good mother to my dogs while my heart was breaking was one of the hardest roles I have ever had to play. I learnt about the strengths that I didn’t even know that existed in me. And also learnt about the pains that I didn’t know that existed.

In my 7.5 years of separation, I faced a lot of struggles. From riches to rags, from a happy couple to a heartbroken timid girl, from going on holidays together with our dogs to single handedly managing meagerness and the fur babies. And in all this time, I did have support from family and friends, but the battle was within, which no one could do anything about but me. Even the men I met only added to my misery and left me all the more heartbroken.

But today, I am in a much better place and stronger than ever. If you are brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello. Life after divorce, “it is just getting better and the only way is up now.” Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.

I do not advice divorce to anyone. If you think there is even a percentage chance to work on it, then please work it out. But if you feel that it is draining you more than giving you peace, then walk out of it. One of the courageous decision you will ever make is to finally let go of what is hurting your heart and soul. I lost and found myself a couple of times in this process. But it’s really ok –  This is called healing. I stopped looking for happy endings or sad closures. Now I will only look for New Beginnings. The only way is up, and I am never looking down or back.

I have already started getting unrequited advice from people to remarry and settle down. It’s ok, because I will only smile and agree with them, but will date or marry someone only when I find the one for me. For now, my baby Junior is in good health, I am liberated and positive and will not let anyone mess with it.

If anyone going through a divorce, remember this – you will be scared in the beginning, but eventually you will know that everything happens for a reason and the reason is always good. Burn your fears and face it head on and set yourself free. Trust me, divorces are also made in heaven. The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it. Fall in love with yourself, fall in love with your career, fall in love with the nature and then fall in love with someone who also falls in love with you. Rescue yourself, unlock the fears and set free. One bad chapter doesn’t mean the end of life. And never give anyone the satisfaction to see you suffer. Stay strong and positive always. Cheers!