Still Awake

It’s never easy to let go of someone we choose to love. We still want to hold them tight, if not in our arms, then in our heart and mind. We struggle to sleep at night; because we are recalling all the good memories. Suddenly, all the bad times vanish and we wish we could get one more chance, to make it right.

And suddenly, we only see the light when everything gets dark, and the darkness doesn’t scare us anymore. It has become a safe haven for us as no one can see our tears and the sorrows in our eyes. No one can hear us cry loudly in our hearts. We are just so scared to sleep, as sleep has become our biggest enemy. And the only thing that matters now is hold their hands and their heart whispers “I Love You”.

We thought, when someone says “Goodbye”, it would not be a sad thing anymore as no tear is worth it, but only the last voice of them we wanted to hear for safekeeping whenever we forgot what it feels like to Love. Their voice grows louder and louder without their presence. The crickets are singing, the dogs are barking, the stars are shining bright, but we can only see the lonely moon, all alone in the sky.

Our eyes are moist, and for a second, we feel everything in our hands is snatched in a fraction; all at once. A night where we feel most alone; when the world is asleep awaiting for a new day, we feel the hollow which isn’t a hollow anymore, but everything we need for now.

The winds have stopped blowing, even that inside our lungs, they took our breath away as they vanished into the horizon. And love maybe the strongest feeling of them all, but often it’s the one that isn’t enough.

We sacrificed our bodies, our souls, our hearts, put it upon our sleeves, but love had no mercy upon us. Now, we are standing only skin and empty bones under a sombre sky; waiting for the endless night to end or wanting the darkness to never go away.

How to unlove? If tomorrow comes, will we ever be whole again? Will we get to see ourselves before we were blinded in love again? Will we ever feel those butterflies and the adrenaline rush again? It’s a big circle of thoughts in a nowhere place. There is all nowhere here in this little broken heart. We are tired. If we stop thinking, we feel we will die. If we continue thinking, we think we will die. Either way, will we ever survive?

But if we never let go, we will never allow ourselves to have a new love experience. We will stay stuck as life continues to erode what we’ve once built. A bold wave has movement, some forward and some backwards. Let the wave carry us to where we are intended to be, and this time, not where we want to be. And when the storm passes, the rainbow will finally find its way through.

What we carry in this dark night is heavy. But, the good thing about what can be carried, is that it can also be put down. It’s a terrible feeling, the pain of not being loved. The grief of everything that we lost, but in our heart, we still believe we have. We are in between ashes of losing ourselves and questioning what was left of us.

But tomorrow, we will wake up happy. And if not tomorrow then maybe the next day, or maybe in a week, or a month. But we will make it. Perhaps it’s time to let go of the burden we’ve been carrying. We have done enough. Let the world work its magic over us once again. Let us try one more time to fall in love. Let us forget about the time that doesn’t exist anymore, and create new memories for us.

To the ones who walked away, we were scared to be without you’ll. You’ll used to breathe life into our lungs, and then suddenly we had to breathe on our own. But now, we will learn to exist happily without you’ll. Actually, we can flourish without you’ll.

Let’s be grateful, that life always has HOPE. Let’s be excited for LOVE to find us again.

My Dog had Pancreatitis

Since the last few months, Junior was throwing up bile. There was no consistent pattern to it and he would randomly throw the same at any odd hour. After a series of tests, the Vet finally figured out that he had Pancreatitis.

When the Vet informed me that he has a doubt that Junior is suffering from Pancreatitis, the first thought that came into my mind was that Junior’s pancreas are damaged or not functioning properly and he has got diabetes and will be put on insulin. My heart sank and being a “google doctor” only worsened the anxiety!

Bile Vomit

What is Pancreatitis? How did Junior get it? What were his symptoms? Let me explain you everything here.

Pancreatitis happens when the pancreas get inflated. That’s an organ near the stomach that helps digest food, and, control blood sugar. Experts aren’t quite sure what causes pancreatitis but in Junior’s case, we assume it was a sudden change of food. Although, we too aren’t 100% sure as Junior had showed symptoms from a few months before and it escalated when I changed his food.

The first time Junior threw up bile was when I started his treatment for Staph disease; that was in April 2020. But that time, we assumed it was due to the acidity caused by the antibiotics. Ever since, every two weeks Junior would throw up bile. And each time we assumed something or the other like hot weather, eating too fast, heavy rains, heart problem, arthritis, etc. Junior’s vomits soon increased from once in two weeks to once every week.

We got his blood tests done in July to rule out any major illness as this was one of the symptoms that Casper had displayed when he was suffering from Liver Cirrhosis. You know how it feels when you have already lost one dog at an early age, all the bad memories come flashing back when your other dog is suffering too. I was beyond paranoid and anxious as Junior would not stop throwing up bile no matter whatever treatment the Vet gave him.

There was one day when I took him to the Vet for a checkup, and Junior barely made it home because he was heavily palpitating and his temperature was not coming under control. That day I literally thought I had lost him. Junior’s blood reports came back and they were all normal (by God’s grace). That day, the Vet suggested we do his heart checkup and referred me to a heart specialist for Animals. I got an appointment and got the checkup done. Fortunately, his heart too was absolutely fine. Now we were confused as to what could be the problem since all this reports were normal. Then we took the traditional route and did some lifestyle changes for Junior like change of walk time, change in his meal time, the portion of his meals, the duration of his walks, etc.

The day Junior had heavy palpitations and temperature

But despite all our efforts, Junior kept throwing up. I was sad and heartbroken seeing my child suffering from months and somewhere I was failing to get him cured. Then I was talking to a friend of mine who’s dog suffered from similar symptoms. She told me that it could be due to Bravecto. Bravecto is a chewy that kills ticks and prevents fleas’ infestation in dogs. I have given Junior Bravecto twice before and so did my friend. Her dog was vomiting and was put on saline and she doubted that we had fed our dogs with pesticide which is poison because if a chewy can kill ticks, then how harmful will it be to the dogs too as we feed them that. Somewhere, I too agree with her and will never be feeding Junior Bravecto again.

I went to the Vet again after Junior’s next episode of vomiting. Before I could ask him anything, he suggested I try changing Junior’s food brand and contents. I did so and he was fine for a week, but all hell broke loose the next when Junior threw up 9 times in 24 hours. That was the first time in his life that he had thrown up so much. Junior was given injections, put on saline as he had dehydrated, given medicines, but nothing worked.

When he threw up 9 times in 24 hours

That was the time the Vet said that he thinks Junior may be suffering from Pancreatitis. Let me tell you, there are several reasons why dogs vomit, so it is very difficult to find the cause, especially when all the reports are normal. And besides his reports being normal, Junior did not have any loose motions or was never lethargic. So in his case, we took months to know what Junior was actually suffering from.

In September 2020 we did his ultrasound and it confirmed inflammation of Pancreas i.e. Pancreatitis. I was advised to immediately withdraw food and water from Junior for 48 hours. The first 24 hours was zero food and water, and the next 24 hours he was given ice cubes and little vanilla ice cream. Junior started responding and stopped vomiting. After 48 hours, the vet started a Pancreatitis medication course and put him on a Veterinary diet food. He also warned me that since we are starting food again, Junior may vomit once or twice, so not to panic. Since I was already in panic mode, the vet assured me that Junior was not critical, and if I followed the instructions well, he will make a slow but full recovery.

Feeding him Vanilla Ice Cream
During treatment

I followed all the instructions of the Vet to the dot and Junior kept improving every day. Today, Junior is off all medications, has not thrown up in more than a month and his daily routine is back to usual. The only thing that continues is the special diet which I have to give him for 3 months before we start his regular food. The vet informed me that Pancreatitis is not an illness but a lifestyle condition which can be managed with proper care and knowledge. I am glad that Junior is on the path of recovery before it was too late and as we doubt, I will never suddenly change his food and always follow the vet’s guidance.

Junior’s symptoms were:

  • Bile Vomit
  • Palpitations

Diagnosis:

  • X Ray
  • Blood Work
  • Ultrasound

Treatment:

  • Withhold Food and Water for 24-48 hours
  • Pancreatitis Medicines
  • Low Fat Gastrointestinal Food

All of the above may vary from dog to dog and case to case. Pancreatitis doesn’t mean your dog has diabetes. Please do not use any home remedies and it is always advisable to consult a Vet at the earliest.

He is back to his naughty self again and we are happy

A letter from Casper & Junior!

Dear Mumma,

We would like to start by saying WE LOVE YOU, A LOT.

We know you are tired single handily taking care of everything to give us the life we deserve. But let us tell you this, whatever you have done, is enough. We are grateful to God to have a Mom like you. We know you consider us as your child even now and treat us no less than a human baby, but you are the best, and in our next life, we would like to be born from you as your child.

You take care of our every need; You give us every comfort and luxury in your capacity. There have been times when you skipped your meals to save money and buy us food so that we do not go hungry. There have been times when bad people have come to attack you because of us but you stood like a shield in front of us to protect us. And even today, you do not settle down in life with anyone if they are not ready to accept us. Yes, it’s only Junior now, but we know when you stood against all odds to keep us when everyone was forcing you to remarry and give us up for adoption. Unlike some out there, who have abandoned their dogs, or gave them up for adoption because they had to shift to another state/country for work, or marriage, or who had a baby, or got a partner who didn’t like dogs, you never gave up on us. Sometimes, we wonder what we ever did to get so much luckier than some of our other friends who have to live through all the pain.

You have sacrificed a lot for us. Your own comfort, your sleep, your health, your likes and dislikes all are secondary for you when it comes to us. But we also know, you are very happy with what you do because we are with you. Sometimes, you are so silly that you get happy when we poop – like seriously mom, its poop!

We have heard you telling people that we keep you healthy mentally and physically. You keep telling us we are good boys and we wag our tails, even then you have a big smile on your face. We love to dance with you when you dance for no reason. Then you tell us, “sit down and let me clean the cobwebs.” You take us out for drives; we enjoy poking our heads out of the window, and feel the breeze. You bring us Vanilla Ice Cream some times, and we relish over it. Although mom, one cup really isn’t enough! Did you even know it literally takes about 5 slurps for it to get over!

When we were younger, you cleaned our poop and pee without complaining. You didn’t even shout at us when we destroyed your favourite shoes or ate the wiring of CCTV in the house – now that I think about it, those wires were yummy indeed! You trained us and worked on us so that we are good boys most of the time. You laughed when we slept in funny positions. You always removed time for us from your busy and messed up life. You didn’t even move an inch when we slept on your lap even though your legs went numb. You have stayed up all night when we fell ill. But we know, you did all this only because you love us as much as we love you.

Then, when Casper crossed the rainbow bridge, you slipped into depression. But gathered yourself back again only for Junior. We were sad to see you sinking in that time. But the strong woman that you have been always, you once again got back in action.

Today as I turn 8 years old, you are very happy, but sad too as I am turning old. You have noticed my slow walks and breaks while climbing the stairs. You have also noticed that now I play only for 15-20 minutes at a stretch, unlike before when I could play for hours. You keeping looking at my face every time like there is no tomorrow. Maybe I cannot entertain you much like before, but I will try my best till the end of my life to keep a smile on your face.

Mumma, thank you for being the best Mom. We know you thank us for coming into your life and keep telling everyone that we have adopted you and this is our house. It takes a very strong person who has seen rock bottom quite a few times to still stay committed to us. Being a single mother is not easy, but you have showed the world how joyful it is to have dogs in one’s life. 

We have heard some humans say the Phase, “It’s a Dog’s Life”! We are not exactly sure what it really means, but with you we would live a dog’s life a hundred times over!

Your good boys,

Casper & Junior

Happily Married?

Fairy Tales always have a happy ending. However, that really depends on whether you are Rumpelstiltskin or the Queen.

In the modern age Fairy Tale ‘Princess Ben’ by ‘Catherine Gilbert Murdock’, she has rightly mentioned that every fairy tale, it seems, concludes with the bland phrase “happily ever after.” Yet every couple I have ever known would agree that nothing about marriage is forever happy. There are moments of bliss, to be sure, and lengthy spans of satisfied companionship. Yet these come at no small effort, and the girl who reads such fiction dreaming her troubles will end ere she departs the altar is well advised to seek at once a rational woman to set her straight.

After my boyfriend’s mother’s outright, and, not go forget unreasonable rejection for me, and our union, me and him started fighting more and more every single day. To a point where we had almost given up on each other and had started preparing ourselves to move on in life. But one day, when we were almost sure everything was over, a miracle happened. After months of grief, heartache and hopelessness, I heard the phone ring flashing the number of castles in air. It was my boyfriend’s mother. She had accepted me and our relationship and wanted to meet me and my parents. I was elated. Suddenly, I was the most jubilant girl on Earth. What made her change her mind is something I didn’t know or cared for; all that mattered was things were finally moving ahead the way we wanted them to.

Our parents met, and, in no time, we got engaged. Promptly, our preparations for the wedding started. We were fired up with the process and wanted everything perfect. The surest way to make your dreams come true is to live them. The excitement was beyond the description of words. It is always a glorious feeling. We were leaving no stones unturned for the big day. As a young girl, I had fancied for this day for a long time. And the day came. I was dressed as a princess, an Indian princess who walked down the aisle. And my prince charming was standing in front of me. In front of the Agni (the God of Fire) we took our vows to never leave each other and love each other in thick and thin, through the good and bad days, in sickness and in health. We were married!!

Promptly, we started our documentation to shift to Dubai from Mumbai to take care of his business. Amid all the paperwork, cultural and religious formalities post marriage; we went to Karjat to enjoy a weekend at his farmhouse. That’s where I met his two dogs Captain (Labrador) and Rocky (Doberman). As I had mentioned before, I was petrified of dogs. When they approached me, I ran and sat in the car out of fear till they were out of my sight. I behaved as if someone had left Lions in the open. My husband couldn’t control his laughter while I was sulking in the car. I spent the weekend in jitters and panic thinking the dogs will come and pounce on me. My husband tried a lot to talk me into about how good and adorable dogs are, but I was nowhere near convinced.

Soon after, we shifted to Dubai. As our life continued to flourish in a foreign country, trying to adapt to the new surroundings and environment; it was not all that euphoric as I had thought of. I realised, dating and marriage are two totally different worlds. Soon, Reality struck me!  My story has no beginning or an end. These are the moments of experience from which to look back or from which to look ahead. And unknowingly, whether in pain or happiness, I always moved ahead which I realised today. In joy, it was euphoria. In sadness, it was a learning lesson. Never give up. Miracles can happen even at the last moment!

Within all my life’s chaos, choosing to write this blog was the best decision of my life. It is not only a way for me to share a major and most important part of my life, but also to contribute my share of knowledge about dogs. From being a girl who was petrified of dogs, to be the mother of 2 wonderful dogs, I have gone through the learning curve and learnt so much about these wonderful creatures. If I can share this knowledge with other dog lovers and maybe help even 1 person with their pets, then I would consider the purpose of this blog fulfilled. There is not even a single boring day in one’s life if you have a dog. You are sad; he comes and cuddles with you. You are crying; he comes and licks your tears. You are bored; he is always ready to play. You are sick; he will give you the best comfort. You are happy; he is always ready to dance with you. He is a doctor, a teacher, a protector, but most importantly; the most loyal friend!

Every Thursday I update you all with my past and present life. Today, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Sapna and I am from Mumbai (India). I am a Lawyer by profession. I love to paint and cook which are my stressbusters. I am also a single dog mom who works out regularly and a yearning Pizza lover. I know I know; Pizza and exercising does not go hand in hand. But I have my cheat days. I have been asked why the “Accidental” Dog Mom. Well, let me reveal that in my next few posts. As we always say, you never know what tomorrow has in package for you. Keep reading and I hope you enjoy my posts.